Keeping Memories Alive

You may have heard that “History is written by the victor.” And that is probably at least partially true. The story that we have of any historic event is what was recorded and preserved and few victors have an interest in preserving the stories of the conquered. We have in the Bible, for example, the Israelites’ story of the battle of Jericho, and the walls came tumbling down. We have no record of the Canaanites’ side of that event. No one was interested in the Canaanites’ view. And, in fact, the version of the story that we have justifies the obliteration of that race as the will of God.

You see, history does not necessarily record the whole truth. But reality is generally accepted to be what is recorded. Eventually, we accept as real anything that the history books – or religious treatises – tell us. And if you don’t, you must be a conspiracy theorist, a flat-worlder, or other anachronist. History is the record of events, and information about some key people involved in them.

Memory is not the same as history. According to Merriam Webster, memory is “the power or process of reproducing or recalling what has been learned and retained especially through associative mechanisms.” For example, you may have lived through or experienced some historic events, like World War I, the Great Depression, the fabulous fifties, or even the turbulent sixties and remember it from your own unique perspective.
That is where history books differ from memoirs. Where history is the record of events, memoirs are the record of the experiences of individuals, sometimes as they relate to historic events, but recalling what has been learned and retained.

Like history, however, what is remembered is what is real.

I have a little exercise is designed to help you take part in forming reality. I’d like you to ask yourself a simple question: How do you want to be remembered?

Exercise: Remember me

A couple of years ago, the online magazine Smith asked readers to send the stories of their lives in just six words. 15,000 arrived in just two months, some from famous people. Stephen Colbert wrote, “Well, I thought it was funny.” Some of the best of the thousands of submissions were compiled in a book by Rachel Fershleiser and Larry Smith titled Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure.

Here are some examples:

• She tried to make a difference


• I have fought a good fight


• I laughed until my sides hurt


• Nobody had more fun than me.


• Died young, at an old age.


• Born in California. Then nothing happened.


• Changing mind postponed demise by decades.


• He wore dresses. This caused messes.

We’ve prepared a worksheet for you and I’d like you to give a minute’s thought to this question, “In six words, how would you like to be remembered?” Then write down the answer on this page. Of course humor is always acceptable, and it doesn’t have to be your final decision. This is just an exercise to get you started.

Writing memoirs

One way to increase the chances that you will be remembered the way you want is to record your memoirs. Living in the memory of others is a path to immortality.

But what a daunting task! If you are over the age of 40, as Cellini suggests, it may seem like a lot to write down. If you are over the age of 60, you may think you can’t possibly remember everything. If you are over the age of 80, you may see it as an impossible task. So how do you start?

One way is by asking yourself the question “What do you wish you knew about your parents, grandparents, or ancestors?” That would be a good place to start your own story. But another is to ask your friends and children the question. I’ve asked my daughter to answer that question for us this morning.

Words from my daughter

When you think "parents," you just think, "Oh, the people who love me and rais me." But most people leave it at that. On the surface, we know them well, but thinking deeper, I've realized, I don't know half as much as I think I do.

In day-to-day conversation, that kind of life history doesn't come up regularly. Parents know so much more than kids, just from daily questions, like, "How was school?" "What movie are you going to see?" and things like that. But kids really don't ask their parents things like that... Maybe a distracted, "How was work?" at the most.

I know how easy it is to forget that my parents had lives before I came along - before I was born. They had lives filled with work... and come to think of it, I actually don't know what else. I mean, they were kids once, so they had school, then college, then work, and just... life to live. Honestly, I don't even think I know how my parents met. Now, thinking about it, it really feels like something I should find out about.

And what about school? Teenagers classically pull the "but you don't understand!!" card - myself included on occasion. So I asked myself "Why is it we say that?" Well, for one, it seems an ideal excuse to complain, but aside from that, wouldn't it make sense that kids assume that their parents don't understand what they are going through because kids don't actually know what their parents lives were like growing up.

I'm not saying that kids would understand how their parents felt growing up, or that parents fully understand how their kids feel, but I think that it would improve communication and be fascinating at the same time, not to mention the fact that you'd also get this awesome understanding of another era.

It's a similar ting with grandparents. It would be so cool to learn about history through someone who actually experienced it, not to mention learning about social and cultural differences and similarities to today.

I think the main thing that I would love to know more about my parents lives and grandparents is the different kinds of social experiences they had growing up, and how it effected their thoughts later in life.

Getting Started

Okay, now that I’ve found out where I should start, here’s another tip to get you started. Unlike a biography, a memoir does not start with “I was born…” and follow a chronological line to the grave. Memoirs are the experiences that gave life meaning for you. Think about the defining events of your life. What was it that you experienced, and what was it you learned? I’ll read a short example from my own memoirs.

Fighting the Union

In the fall of 1967, I was part of a Methodist Youth tour to Detroit, Michigan. There had been riots in Detroit that summer and in places you could, at least figuratively, still see smoke rising. Part of the tour included visiting the United Auto Workers (UAW) headquarters and hearing Walter Reuther talk about organized labor’s planned redevelopment of inner city slums.

My dad worked for Studebaker Corp. in South Bend, Indiana for nearly 20 years before the company closed its doors for good in 1963. My memories of the union were not positive. They involved my dad standing on picket lines and bringing home government surplus food because he was on strike. I remember sitting in the barbershop on Saturday morning as his fellow-employees openly declared that they hadn’t voted for any strike and didn’t know anyone who did. My opinion of the union was that they drove companies out of business and weren’t there to help the unemployed who were left behind.

There was a question and answer period after Reuther’s talk and I stood to try to pin the closure of Studebaker on the union. I didn’t get very far. Mr. Reuther gave what appeared to be a stock answer that wasn’t relevant. Even the other kids at my table were offering me sympathy on having been so easily dismissed. One also offered me a postcard and pen so I could write down my question in advance. I was far better prepared the next time I rose to ask my question.

“Mr. Reuther, I regret that I don’t have your years of fast-talking experience,” I began.

“I wish I had my experience and your years,” he quipped back.

I couldn’t blame him for that. I was wishing I had my years and his experience, too. I managed to get the rest of the question out, concluding with my accusation, “Isn’t it true that the union drove Studebaker out of business by making continued, unreasonable demands?”

The answer, once again, didn’t really satisfy me, or my friends. Though I didn’t think at the time to try to write down the answer, we were left with the impression that simple-minded laborers couldn’t really grasp all the issues in contract negotiations and needed to trust union management to make the right decisions for them.

When I told my dad about my short-lived confrontation, he didn’t have a lot to say. But years later I heard him retelling the story to others with a real note of pride in his voice. I also took the time to learn about the incredible contributions that Walter Reuther made to fair labor practices, civil rights, and the Democratic Party, and I gained some perspective on the complexities of labor negotiations. But what can I say? When you are 18, you already have all the answers.

Exercise: Identifying and recording your memoirs

Now I’d like you to think in terms of what you want to pass on to your children or grandchildren, or friends and family. Pick out an experience that you had that you learned something from. Now on your worksheet, write a key phrase that describes the experience. It could be something like “Stealing apples” or “The Love of My Life.” Just a title that brings to mind the story that you want to tell.

Next, jot down three to six key moments in that experience. What are the things that made it memorable? This could include names of people involved, your age, the setting… the things that you remember most about that experience. You can get a good start by answering the fundamental questions of who, what, why, where, when.

Now, what did you learn from this experience? Keep in mind that your memoirs are not your vehicle to preach one last sermon to your children. Don’t tell them, show them. What did you learn? Some of the concepts you might capture could be things like, “I never went near the water again,” “I can never think about Christmas without smelling cranberries and popcorn,” or “That one decision saved my life.” Go ahead and take a stab at writing it down.

Conclusion

Today we may be more aware of the issues of memory loss on an individual basis than ever before. We have more information about Alzheimer’s Disease, Parkinson’s Disease, Sundown Syndrome, and other memory-loss problems than any generation. And we are also aware that the past 50 years have seen more change than any period of history, starting with the first nuclear explosion through space exploration, personal computers, and DVDs. And we experienced it. It is a shame that those experiences are not recorded where future generations can learn from them.

A while back I video-taped my father-in-law telling an incredibly fascinating story about his activity in Italy during World War II. I’d heard the story in bits and pieces, but Bob told the whole thing in an hour-long uninterrupted session. It was fascinating. But after I was done recording, I started wondering “What am I going to do with this?” It’s a great story I want to pass on, but who is going to go through my piles of stuff and watch the tape?

So I decided to set off on my one-family mission of getting personal and family stories recorded in a way and published in a place that people could have access to them for a long time to come. As a result, we created Remembers When – a place for your memoirs. We wanted to make it possible for people to easily and inexpensively put their memoirs on-line. If you haven’t been to visit Mitch Levy Remembers When, take an opportunity as soon as you can. It is very entertaining!

Whether you choose to publish your bits on-line, make a book out of them, or just write them down in a pile of papers for your children to inherit, it is important to start the process. And you have started with the worksheet you have in front of you. Now it is time to follow through. Go to Remembers When and open your memoirs page, then start posting those precious personal and family memories.

Thanks for the memories.